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A monument to pain.
But cuts turn to scars and they don't fade.
*********************
I haven't done one of these in quite some time, so I thought why not a little update.
I've been somewhat "down" lately.
I feel like things are falling apart and nothing is the same anymore.
I moved to Royal Oak, it was a good move. I love the city. I went downtown today and felt like I was on vacation. Nice to go a mile down the road and feel that way.
I feel like I have 2 friends.
I can't find a way to believe in myself. I'm never going to accomplish anything if I don't believe in myself, that's like the key ingredient to anyone who wants to go somewhere in life...just believing in yourself. So why is it that it seems so hard to do?
I see and hear amazing bands everyday, and while I'm listening to them I can only wish I was doing the same thing, and I'm not, but it's my own fault. I'm really inspired by Hayley and Carly...the singer for Paramore and the singer for Kenotia. Too many people don't give girl fronted bands the time of day but yet they're out there doing what they do best and they're taking it all by storm. I respect both of those bands very deeply. And neither of them will really understand how much they've motivated me and encouraged me. But for them, thank you.
Am I scared?
Good question.
I don't know.
I was offered to sing for a local band but I feel unsure about it, and I don't know why. That's like an invite to my everything but I'm questioning it. Why do I do that? I hate that.
When I went downtown I applied for 8 jobs today. 8 jobs. And I don't want to. I want to work to have money. But I hate thinking that I'll end up working some job all my life and that's it. I don't want that. And I know that if my life ends up like that I'll regret it everyday till I die that I didn't do what I wanted to, which is to be a part of an amazing band. It's not about money, it's not about appreciation, and it's really not even about making a difference. If I could make a difference on someones life the way Paramore has made one on mine, great...but it's all about just doing what I love.
Maybe I'm not taking enough chances.
Maybe I'm finding too many excuses.
And yes, maybe I am scared...
of failure.
I've been failed by many people in my life, I don't want myself to be one of those people.
And don't take this as a depressing entry.
I am happy.
I just feel like I'm going no where with music.
All I have is my songs, what I write, everyday, and a beautiful guitar that I hadn't picked up in 2 years, and when I did a string snapped and broke in my face. I've given my dreams a rest for too long and I don't want to anymore.
And I really don't want to hear how this is stupid.
Music, and choosing to make that your life, is NOT stupid. It's the best thing that has ever happened to me and I cherish it a lot, so don't ever come to me and tell me to "get a life".
I don't know anymore.
The only way I anything will happen is if I make them happen.
Guess I need to work on that, and stop questioning what I love.Tags: life, love, music
Current Location: basment
Current Mood:  drained
Current Music: Kenotia
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will you get this letter?
Jagged pulp sliced in my veins.
I write to remember.
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
I feel like so much has happened lately, and really there probably isn't.
My step-brother died on February 24th.
He sold his soul to Coke.
And now he's gone.
It was really hard to say goodbye to him.
I knew after the funeral I would never see him again, in person.
The only place I would ever be able to see his beautiful face and feel his bright personality was in old photos.
That kills me.
...
.. ..
Other than that, I moved to Royal Oak.
I'm loving it here.
I obviously miss being so close to my friends, but I feel like I'm in a whole new world here.
So far so good.
===
I also got asked to sing for a band.
Dream come true?
Pretty close.
...
I have to learn one of their songs, and they want me to sing a Paramore song for them.
I'm extremely excited about that.
72726673
I'm leaving for Kalamazoo on next Sunday.
Just clear my head.
Write.
Get myself together.
And be in the presence of one of my best friends who I haven't seen enough of.
It'll be a good break.
!@s=)
Paramore is gonna be in Detroit on May 9th, at St. Andrews Hall.
That just about makes my life.
I've been having withdraws, I can't wait to seeeee them!!! =)
And as far as the opposite sex...
I'm doing just fine without you.
I really don't think I've ever been this ok.
Which makes me very proud of myself.
I feel better.
It's so much less stress.
Less pain and hurt.
If you don't invlove yourself, you can't get hurt.
So I just won't be involved.
For awhile.
I'm doing ok.
<3
And if you have to go.
Well always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.
R.I.P.
Darren
I love you.Tags: death, family, life, love, paramore
Current Location: Basement
Current Mood:  okay
Current Music: At The Drive In
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I've seen you cry way too many times.
I don't even know why I'm writing in here right now.
I'mat some girls house, I'm pretty bored, and I want to leave.
I wish it wasn't blistering cold out, or I'd start walking and have someone pick me up.
My best friend isn't in a good moood.
Can't say I blame her, I would be too.
Wouldn't you.
I wish I could go back to May 23, 1988 and kinda just restart this "so called life."
Change the way I did some things, and what I did to some people, and just change.
I don't regret thing.
But I've felt every mistake that I ever made...
and it started with you.
Seeing her upset, just makes me really upset, cause I feel for her so much, and I wish I could make her pain go away.
I just want her to smile and be happy.
lalala
This is boring.
I feel sorry for you if you've read this.
Pretty much just a waste of your time.
But these are my thoughts.
And they speak truth.
I'm so sick of people who think they're fucking sweet.
They most definately are not.
I thought it made it clear that I don't like when people constantly put down something I love so much.
GET OVER IT.
Srsly.
I don't even know why I hang around you.
Oh wait...
that's why!
I can't fucking escape you.
Unfortunately.
You are on my nerves.
And as much as I love you [as a friend] you're on my nerves too.
OPEN YOUR EYES.
::reality is such a harsh thing::
</3Current Location: GAY!!!!
Current Mood:  pissed off
Current Music: Paramore
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~10 minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too~
...
I've been called a failure all my life, this is the last thing I need.
I don't need people to tell me how bad I'm doing at life.
I know I've fucked things up a lot, but at the same time, I had to save my own life.
I'm 18 years old.
I don't have a job right now, but I know I'll get one.
I just wish people would lay off about it and leave me alone.
I am trying.
And I'm trying to make myself useful while I'm not working.
And I will be going on tour in June, and I'm pretty fuckin tired of people saying that it's stupid. Or I guess only one person has said that.
But one person is enough.
Telling me it's stupid and a waste of time to go on tour, is like telling me my life is a waste of time, cause that's what I wanna do with my life, is work with music. And everytime you tell me how ridiculous it is, it kills me. And it scares me.
I'm scared enough about how my future will turn out.
And I'm pretty positive my dreams will never come true.
Sorry to be so negative, but that's how things have always been in my life, and I can accept it.
I don't want pity or empathy, I want you all to be like, you're right, you're dreams won't come true.
But you can't, cause none of you know what my dreams are.
The other night I got and IM from someone who I don't know, and it said
"you should really go to college, you're not going anywhere with you life"
And it hit me hard, not because it's true.
But I was happy.
I thought life was good.
And then people throw shit in your face.
No one can judge what's going on in my life, and where I'm going but myself.
I'm fucking tired.
I'm tired of people's bullshit.
I'm tired of lies.
I'm tired of seriously holding back tears every fucking day.
Just one little thought about stupid things and I'm about to cry, and I'm so sick of it.
I doubt anyone will see this, and if they do I doubt they'll care.
But it's ok, I needed to get it off my chest, and this is the only place to do that.
I know I have Jess.
But I hate bringing people down with my sadness, so I fake a smile almost 24/7.
Nothing seems worth it anymore.
</3Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Silverstein
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I'm sick of crying over you.
I'm sick of seeing a replica of us, or at least me. But she's my best friend.
I just hope to fucking god he doesn't do to her what you've done to me.
It feels like my ♥heart♥ is in my throat and I'm about to throw it up.
And it seems close enough the point that it'll happen.
And when it does, I want to give up.
And I know I've said it before and it hasn't happened.
So I know I won't.
But for the record I really wish I could.
I want you to want to hangout with me.
I want you to want to be there for me.
The way I'll always be there for you.
I want you to know that I love you.
But the past year and a half have been hell.
And I'm allowing you to burn me, over and over again.
I want you to look in my eyes and see my pain, and see how hard it really is.
Cause you don't know.
You'll never know.
I've wanted nothing for you but happiness, so I hope you're happy.
I want to die after you, so that just incase you do care, you won't be hurt.
That's the last thing I'll ever do to you, I promise.
I want to feel like I'm important to you.
I want you to call.
I want to see you more then once a month, thats what it seems like.
I want to stop rambling.
So I'm going to.
But one more thing.
I just may die before you...
Because you, are killing me.
</3Current Mood:  sick
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Has been fucking insane.
I've had so many highs and lows lately, it's just almost too much to take. I've been writing a lot, and I wrote a note in my non-computer journal that says "if I die I want this published". I think it'd be a best seller.
It's weird to go back and read all those entries, some of which are from 2002. I can't believe how long ago that was, but when I read it I remember exactly where I was when I wrote it, how I was feeling, and what was going on with myself.
2007 is almost here and I can't stop thinking about how this year started. I was alone for starters. But it's really weird to notice how much things have changed and how much I've been through this year.
In 2006...
-I fell in love
-I dated 4 people who were not that person.
-I lost friendships and gained them back.
-I went to Chicago and had the time of my fucking life and had the worst time of my life at the same time.
-I ran away from home, which was one of the healthiest things I could've done for myself. Which granted my parents wouldn't think so, but it was.
-I found my biological family.
-I made 4 new significant friends.
-Jess Joye, who I wouldn't be able to surivive without. She's the only one, and she'll get that. But you may not.
-Lauren, who I've actually grown apart from since she's been to school. I guess it wasn't that unexpected. But I think it's gay that she can't talk to me. I still love the girl to death and I'll never forget what she did for me. Being there when no one was.
-Jared, who is just crazy to say the least, and puts up with my fucking bullshit.
And
Joshua Maurice Joie-Who stole my best friends heart. And is one of the best musicians I've ever come across. I think we've got our friendship down, sometimes I want to punch him, and he makes me mad, but only when it comes to my best friend. And I realize more and more everyday that it's not so much him, but both of them, and the situation. I know it's not easy, for either of them.
I love all of you so much.
hmm, what else.
When I ran away I moved in with Amanda Joy, and things were ok for about 2 seconds and then we wanted to kill each other. But I really love her to death, and my life isn't the same when she's not in it. I've experienced it, and I don't like it.
When I lost her and Jess, around the time of graduation, I was a wreck. I was going downhill, and I know this seems like I'd be talking about a relationship...but I was heartbroken. Anyone who knows me knows that because of my past with my family, my friends came first and meant EVERYTHING to me. So losing them was a really hard thing to endure. I have ups and downs with all of my friends but I love all of them more than they'll ever love me, and more than they'll know. You all are a huge part of me. And every single one of you bring out something different in me. For that I love you guys.
I now live with my biological mother. She is an amazing person. I love her so much. More and more everyday. I can't help but love her. It's so weird. I get so emotional sometimes about life, and not having them in it for 18 years, but I have them now, and I'm supposed to live in the moment. So I'm going to, and I'm gonna live it up, with them, and with all of my family.
I'm still in love with that boy.
I love every part of it too.
Except for the people who think I'm stupid and need to move on, it hurts my feelings a lot. I guess I just don't like to be told what you think I should do. Whether it's your way of trying to help or not, all I've ever wanted in life was to be able to be me, and I never really got that until I moved away from home. I just like to do what I want. And I will. I know I say this a lot, but I very much so believe in following your heart and gut, trying to stay positive, and living in the moment. I've learned to let myself be my own critic. Only I can judge myself, not you.
I have no idea right now, where anything in my life is going to go, but that's okay I guess. I'm content. I know I could be happier, but I'm breathing, and I'm okay. Finally.
<3Tags: tags
Current Mood:  content
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hitting_notes's journal
